There's no telling what I would do if I was elected president of the United States of America. So much sh*t to fix, so little cooperation to get it done. How can you limit someone to four years a term, two max, to fix what Republicans spent decades destroying? Then again, if we're not careful, Republicans will give themselves four terms each to continue to do what they do.

THE PRIORITY
The absolute first item on my platform would be to declare Super Bowl Sunday a National holiday. It is inhumane to have anyone work on a day in which more people on the entire planet are watching the same program [regardless of the time or language] than at any other time of the year. Any employer caught scheduling an employee to work would be penalized 15 days working by themselves for unsportsmanlike conduct. The only exceptions would be those employees whose responsibilities involve any of the following:

* AUTOMATIC GRATUITY OF THE OVER/UNDER ADDED TO THE BILL, UNLESS YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT
** ALCOHOL PERMITTED TO BE SOLD ON SUNDAYS REGARDLESS OF THE LAW

Working retail sales for almost a decade now, I've spent many Super Bowl Sundays fighting to get the day off or rushing to a location to wind down before the game. It just isn't right.

SPEAKING OF INHUMANITY
All debt owed to the largest extortion operation ever created will be forgiven. My debt, too. For decades the World Bank and IMF claimed to have been created to help less fortunate countries compete in the global economical race to get rich. It is true that both organizations provide financial assistance to poorer countries, but the conditions to receive the funding have slowly pilfered countries of their natural resources and primary sources of income, strangled their budgets paying back the rich countries and created civil implosion by the absolute disregard for those that are supposed to benefit from these loans.

Have you ever signed up for a credit card with an interest rate of 29%? What about signing up for a credit card with an interest rate of 29% and you have to give up a finger every month you are late? That's close to an equivalent to these loans being provided.

Who knows? Maybe I'm wrong and the World Bank and IMF don't require the souls of the countries anymore to get a little assistance. I still we forgive those debts that have already crippled the economies of those countries who have signed this death certificate.

SO YOU THINK YOU'RE ABOVE THE LAW?
Criminals today commit their crimes, primarily because the punishment sometimes is a joke. I'm still confused about a bank robber stealing $2,000 receiving 10 years in prison compared to someone stealing $60,000 from everyday people getting five months in a peaceful wooded retreat.

I say the amount of money you gained illegally is how many years you spend in jail. That's whether you rob a bank, an individual, stole out the cash register at work or used insider secrets, created fraud schemes, used counterfeit money, stole someone's identity (or even just their credit card) or milked pensions, inflated company profits to increase share prices or whatever. Who would dare steal more than $3 which guarantees you three years in jail? After the first wave of "I know I won't get caught" thieves get caught, you will be able to leave your wallet in a homeless shelter and no one will touch it.

And what about those who take someone else's life? I say kill them. Sure, we may have to add a few exceptions such as like self-defense, accidents and circumstantial situations. I understand sometimes sh*t happens. I'll create a new system fair enough to determine who dies and who doesn't, but for the most part, you take a life, you give a life. Hey, it worked in the Bible. Do you realize how high our murder rate is compared proportionately to other countries across this planet?

Sexual offenders will receive the worst punishment of all. Let me repeat: sexual offenders will by systematically destroyed worse than death regardless of your past experiences in life and how good your music is.

After castrating sexual offenders and printing the photos on every newspaper around the world, the culprits will have to perform community services such as sanitation, construction of public buildings and public parks - naked. This may seem inhumane, but sexual offenders are not human. Initially the world will be cluttered with a lot of former priests running around naked building HUD homes and picking up cigarette butts in every neighborhood, but after a few years, no one will have to worry about being assaulted again.

THE RETURN OF THE MEDIA
Ever since the creation of the Associated Press, the media has served as an echo to the government. Journalism is a contest of who can rewrite the government's press releases the best for their papers. Few media outlets have the balls to question the truth. Everyone is scared of being branded a liberal. The media has become a joke.

I say the media somehow has to return to representing the people instead of repeating the words of the government. Would I be scared as president of not having favorable articles written about me and my administration? Of course. But it's not about me. It's about those who put me in office receiving what they deserve - the truth.

Speaking of the truth, inquiries will be held immediately to find out who was behind the shootings of Martin Luther King, Jr, Malcolm X, John F Kerry, Ronald Reagan, Abraham Lincoln and thousands of other people whose shooters weren't the final answer. Also, we will investigate what caused the three World Trade Center buildings to fall, what really hit the Pentagon on September 11, what was the real reason for invading Afghanistan and Iraq, what happened to the MacDonald White Paper issued by Great Britain in the 1930s and what in the hell was Eyes Wide Shut about.

The media will present the truth unfettered by political pressure and blackmail. The official reports will be presented in text books so every child will be aware of how we got where we are and who is responsible for all the chaos in this world. History books will be rewritten objectively to liberate everyone's mind from the propoganda that has infiltrated our minds.

WHAT DO I KNOW?
Maybe idealists should not be president after all. A friend of mine from the Philippines named Isabel once told me there will always be rich, there will always be those who serve them. I didn't understand that concept at first, but maybe she was right. In my attempts to understand human nature, I'm starting to realize we are not all fit to perform without rules and guidelines to direct our everyday decisions.

I know some of my views are controversial. I know some will find offense to what I just wrote, only 11% of my entire presidential platform. And I know some will find reason to disown, disrespect and distance me. It's all good.

For those who feel we already live in a perfect society, I envy you. For all others who know we have been hoodwinked, I invite you to place your write-in vote for me: David Gaines for President of the United States of America.