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Archive for the Category »Relationships «

You Say Tomāto, I Say Tomăto

One Way SignWhen my fellow co-worker Sunil came in this morning, I reflexively greeted him with, “how’s it going?” This is something I ask without thinking, something that comes out of my mouth before my brain has a chance to determine if I prefer to ask that or perhaps “what’s going on?” or — what I picked up from my homeboy Desmond Woodard in Atlanta — “what it is?”

Sunil, from northern India, then asked me what would be the proper way to respond to such a question. Funny, I thought, there really isn’t a question in that question. It’s just another combination of words whose meaning can be translated to “good morning.” The proper response, if there is one, I said could be “I’m good” or “chillin’” or saying nothing at all.

This got me thinking about a concept in sales called “perception versus intention.” Steve Harvey during the Steve Harvey Morning Show [the lady subjects me to it] sometimes will respond during Strawberry Letters [I'm embarrassed to admit that I listen to it, regardless that it's against my own will] to people’s letters saying what was said and what was heard may not be the same thing. The words used are heard correctly, sure, but the meaning behind the words are interpreted differently.

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African Proverbs of Love and Marriage

Collection of African proverbs about love and marriage, dedicated to my ladies, Nduku and Najwa…

I love you

Love doesn’t rely on physical features.

— Lesotho Proverb

Where there is love there is no darkness.

— Burundian Proverb

It’s better to fall from a tree and a break your back than to fall in love and break your heart.

— African Proverb

Love has to be shown by deeds not words.

— Kenyan Proverb

When one is in love, a cliff becomes a meadow.

— Ethiopian Proverb

He who doesn’t feel jealousy is not in love.

— African Proverb

A letter from the heart can be read on the face.

— Kenyan Proverb

Let your love be like the misty rain, coming softly, but flooding the river.

— Liberian & Madagascan Proverb

If love is a sickness, patience is the remedy.

— Cameroonian Proverb

He may say that he loves you, wait and see what he does for you.

— Senegalese Proverb

I love you

The best part of happiness lies is in the secret heart of a lover.

— Ugandan Proverb

Love is a despot who spares no one.

— Namibian Proverb

Many little things make a man love a woman in a big way.

— Ghanaian Proverb

A woman is a flower in a garden; her husband is the fence around it.

— Ghanaian Proverb

He who loves, loves you with your dirt.

— Ugandan Proverb

The buttocks are like a married couple though there is constant friction between them; they will still love and live together.

— African Proverb

An Ode To Nduku Malombe — The Video

One of my homeboys told me that posting all this “crap” about my girl was annoying. Wait until he sees this…


[The music is Charles Cameron's "I'll Never Stop Loving You" from Darius and Nina's first date in Love Jones]

I Love This Woman

Something about Nduku’s smile…

I love Nduku Malombe

I love Nduku Malombe

I love Nduku Malombe

Category: Upendo wangu  Tags:

Sunshine (Dedication to Najwa and Nduku)

Initially I was simply looking to capture this moment in time by piecing together some videos of Najwa. Then I had this idea that maybe I could figure out how to add some music to the video — considering Najwa doesn’t really say much anyway. Then what if I sprinkled in a few pictures here and there of Najwa between the video clips?

Figuring that out was the easy part. The hard part was which of the hundreds of hundreds of pictures of Najwa do I use? The video was turning into the story of Najwa from birth to just shy of 10 months old. And as I was putting on the finishing touches, how could I do a biography on Najwa without her mother Nduku!?

Now, I had thousands more pictures to choose from! I started to look for a much longer song, but L!ssen’s live version of “Sunshine” said exactly what I was saying with the photos. And of course the soundtrack had to be go go…


Najwa Gaines

 

So Much Said In So Few Words

Nduku Malombe and Maureen Ndoto
Nduku and her roommate Maureen

Three days had passed since I first met this stunning girl at the movies. Instantly she caught my attention, yet for whatever reason, she said nothing to me — so I said nothing to her.

But my curiosity was too intense for me to just let it be. The only issue was that I had no idea, whatsoever, of how I was going to get in touch with her again.

Other than simply asking her roommate about, well, her roommate, I was at a lost. Since we said virutally nothing at all to each other at the movies, I couldn’t even remember her name. She said it so fast, with her proper English/African accent, and her name isn’t common [not in this hemisphere anyway].

Seriously, I wasn’t even sure if she said her name at all!

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The Culmination of a Series of What Ifs

It’s intimidating how delicate life is. Every single choice we make yields a result. Every single decision we make, no matter how small the detail, serves a role in how life unfolds. Every single insignificant moment has consequences, but the bliss of ignorance spares us the devastating realization of what could’ve been.

U Street MetroThere I stood, in the rain, at the bus stop, at the 13th Street exit to the U Street Metro station; it’s dark, chilly, a bit windy; but the only thing I could focus on was the car pulling up. Behind the steering wheel was Nduku Malombe, and right then I knew, once I stepped into the car, we would be embarking on a journey that almost never happened.

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How Hard Is It To Be Taken Seriously?

Want to be taken more serious? Hand someone a heavy book. Or a bowling ball. Or maybe even a 48-inch TV. A study conducted by a bunch of smart people determined that there’s a relationship between “weight, texture and hardness” to how people behave and respond to situations no matter how unrelated…

The findings might help people learn how to influence the thoughts and behaviors of others. Giving a potential employer something heavy to hold, for example, could make her take you more seriously.

“It turns out these metaphors reflect a real connection between our physical and mental understanding of the world,” said Joshua Ackerman, a psychologist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and author of the study, which appears today in the journal Science. “Everything we think is in some way tied to the physical experiences we have.”

I wouldn’t go as far as saying handing an interviewer a bag of rocks will improve your odds of getting the job, but it’s the concept of weight and its relationship to human behavior that I find interesting. Seriously. And if you don;t believe, reread this post while holding you computer over your head.

Category: Relationships

One More Reason Men Have No Remorse

Let me add a little something extra to the “Why Do We Men Handle The Breakup So Callously?” posting.

Often when talking to one of my homegirls who are in a bad relationship, she’ll ask why can’t a man give into a relationship as much as she does. A common example is how she would call when she’s going to be out late with the girls but he never calls when he’s going to stay out late with the fellas. Or she’ll cook dinner and he won’t clean up. And that’s if he even says thank you.

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Category: Relationships

Why Do We Men Breakup So Callously?

After reading Kim Miles’ posting about Men, Women, and the Ability to Move On, I started reflecting on some of the relationships that I walked out on. I don’t consider myself one of the good ones; I know I am. And yet, I know I’ve emotionlessly moved on without looking back, regardless if it hurt or not.

Why?

One of the first things to cross my mind is how men and women see the breakup from two completely different perspectives. Men, well, we live in a world where we face a series of letdowns over and over. I’m a Redskins fan so for the past decade or so [has it really been since 1996 that we won our last Super Bowl?] I’ve had to put on my game face to stand tall in front my Giants and Patriots and even Cowboy fan friends. We men are extremely competitive and evolve into creatures who can take a loss with grace. We lose at Madden; we lose at not making more money than the next man; we lose at the clubs and bars when women seem to always have to go to the bathroom when we roll up.

In the process of all this losing, we almost get used to two simple facts. The first being that it is inevitable that you win some and you lose some. The second being that you will continue to lose if you don’t put it out of your mind.

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Men See in B/W; Women See All That Gray

Whenever I’m telling Lisa [my homegirl at the agency] something about someone I know, I refer to that person as my homeboy or homegirl — and all together as my people. Everyone is my homeboy or homegirl. Because everyone is either a friend or we just haven’t met yet.

It could be someone who also went to Osterholz American High School [my high school in Germany where my dad was stationed] or Westover High School in Fayetteville, NC, even if we never met. Washington Redskins fans and North Carolina A&T Aggies automatically become my people. If you’re Half-Black and Korean, we’re people. My candidates at the agency are my people. If you’re reading this — you’re my people.

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Sagittarians and Taureans? Disaster

Sagittarius and TaurusZodiacs. Some people pawn them off as witchcraft; others swear by them. Most people I know are skeptical, but most people I know also agree that they fit their zodiac personality. I know as a Taurus I’m stubborn. My Libra friends can be quite indecisive, and my Leo friends don’t forgive or forget when you mess up.

Out of sheer boredom, as well as a bit of curiosity, I looked up how we Bulls gel with all the other zodiacs. See, I met someone quite intriguing who straight up told me because she’s a Sagittarius and I’m a Taurus, it won’t work. Sagittarians are very free spirited and don’t like to be fenced in while Taureans are controlling. Now you listen here…!

Independence is Sagittarius’ principle, they crave adventure and excitement and welcome change with open arms. Sagittarius is the sign of the philosopher and the explorer, they will go as far as road will go and explore every corner thoroughly in their ever eternal search for wisdom. Freedom is so important to Sagittarius that they will actually make decisions based on the amount of freedom that is given by the choice they have made, as a result, sometimes a good opportunity is turned down because of it’s high commitment need, but this is their choice so it is a good choice for them.

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Men Want Sex; Women Want Commitment

My lady friends are always asking, “Why are men always thinking about sex?” My homeboys [who aren't bunned up already] actually don’t ask but already know that women tend to focus more on seeking commitments. Why is that, though?

It’s not because we’re two different species, because we’re not. It’s not because we’re from two different planets, because we’re not. Essentially, taking a overwhelmingly complex concept and putting it into a simpler, easier-to-chew thought: it comes down to the number of opportunities to procreate.

Let’s take it back about a decade first.

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Category: Relationships

Smart Phones Eliminate Manners

Now that my BlackBerry has been revived [sans a couple of the buttons] from the dip in the toilet, I’m back in business. Phone calls, text messages, IM chatting, Facebooking, instant email, videomail, picturemail, pinging, poking, you name it. I recharge my battery at work; I recharge my battery at home. My customized Go Go ring tone ["Get Silly" performed live by the WHAT! Band] gets heads nodding on the Metro; I have an alarm clock again, so I can stay up late not worry about oversleeping; I can check my calendar when someone brings up an upcoming event to see if I already told someone I’d be at theirs.

All systems are a go, that is, until I’m out with someone. Unless it’s my homeboys, who understand, I prefer to quiet my phone out of courtesy, respecting what Jesus once told me about doing unto others. I may glance to see if I received any pressing text messages, but for the most part, I can give my undivided attention without feeling guilty of whoever is trying to reach me.

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Reference Checking Isn’t Just For Employers

Reference Checking

 

A couple of years ago I sent my homeboy Devin an email about George W. Bush and Condi Rice having an affair. His first question was what was the source [typical attorney mindset]. Odds are Condi has higher standards, but the point was made: the truth is only as strong as its source — not that Devin cared if Bush was bangin’ Condi every night.

When I’m interviewing candidates, I realize that their answers are always skewed to present them in the best possible light. Even the answers I hear about their greatest weakness are usually a strength disguised as a weakness as many interview books recommend. As if we recruiters haven’t heard every answer in every book already.

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Category: Relationships  Tags:
Contact David Gaines I am David Gaines on Facebook Follow David Gaines on Twitter I am David Gaines on Google Plus Connect with David Gaines on LinkedIn YouTube Channel: I am David Gaines Where in the World is David Gaines? What is David Gaines reading? Photos around the nation's capital by David Gaines David Gaines reviews on Yelp